Am i alive?

there are many transistion periods in our life. From the time of no schooling, schooling, working and retirement. And as one period moves on to another things change sentiments too n in the end our attitudes too. For the better or for the worst it depends how it is perceived and determined. God for one is constant on bringing us through each of these periods. Next is our family; our parents mainly. Others come and go. From time to time we are ought to examine our lives to redefine, redirect and be aware of the direction we are going too. Well lent is not the only good time, even vacation time or a day off will do.
However in our church the path is paved directed to God thus preparing ourselves ought to be taken on this path. God will guide us.
Sometimes when we are in our comfort zone of our homes we tend to miss the value of the home we are in only to feel it later when we are away from it. Ever since i was young it was cultivated in my family to always be together during the festive period; Christmas, New year, Easter and also our Church Feast Day. When my siblings and I were still schooling it was easy and we often look forward to it. Mum cooks and we all enjoy the feast together and that fills our stomach and soul to go out later and enjoy the rest of the day with other family members and friends. It’s a time too when we just simply want to be home and watch the special programs on television. Despite doing so everyday it is different when it’s the festive time. The holy week is special, a longer period of preparation compared to advent-Christmas. The preparation is not the time spent to clean the house and decorate it but the time we spend as a family to go to church more often (Every Way of the cross session including the Holy week masses in addition to the Sunday masses) and also our active participation in church. My parish is a small one where it is almost always whole families get involved. It was fun, many things to look forward too and in the end to enjoy the fellowship and experience, the good outcomes from our preparations. A job, well done. Fast and abstinence is also easier practiced, the common vegetarian meals in my family every Friday. In a very much orderly comfortable life indeed everyday is a smile. For me it is easier to feel the work of God these times too, the sense of self satisfaction, good and bad memories; the bad ones being good experiences and blessings in disguises are easier seen too. It was those times too that it’s careless. Youths get together and do things in church, we siblings getting involved together, participating in church activities, something ironically hardly seen at home. In those days each one of my family member is partaking in doing something in church together with the rest of the parishioners. A benefit seen in small parishes perhaps. I am proud of my family and this we celebrate together during the festive period. After mass we go home have a toast and have supper together, chat till we get tired and go to sleep. We give a Thanksgiving toast to God for his blessings.

It soon changes, something that it is inevitable. My brother and sister goes to university leaving me alone to hold onto the previous feelings, afraid to change or let them go. Holy week and the other festive was not always a complete family. We would feel the missing piece of a member but of course thanks to modern technology they are a mere call away nevertheless physical presence is indeed more powerful. Despite the incompleteness most if it remained the same and life went on. I missed working with my siblings in church. Now it was just my parents and myself. I was still an altarserver, such deep rooting in serving my parish inspired by the rest of my family members made me continue to serve for 10 over years. During the holy hour after the Maundy Thursday mass, we sit as a family in front of the tabernacle and join the congregation in prayer. It was a simply nice moment to feel the presence of God in our family as well as our extended ‘family’. We go home hearts filled with the warmth of God’s blessings and anticipate for Easter.
Time continues, no turning back, no pause, no halt. When we are happy, comfortable perhaps contended we prefer it to stay like that but nope….life goes on. Now it was my turn to leave home and to the not to far KL metropolitan for further studies. Since my hometown was not to far I was still always back and present for any church and family function. All that I have gathered, learned and experience, I used, to survive my life in KL as a student. Despite wanting to make it home during the Holy week I was determined to experience God in a different mode, place and mood. Of course God is the same everywhere but aren’t we humans with feelings and sentiments. Well it did not fail. The experience of the Holy week in bigger parishers was great. Even greater it was joined with friends. Together with my university CSS members we went church hopping, experiencing God in different communities and environments and languages, taking pictures and sharing them around. Indeed it was great but on the big day I just had to go home for that was where my heart is. With my friends we learnt that God is truly indeed everywhere despite the same one true God the manifestation of the wonders we experienced and saw was different. It was not a hallucination of seeing apparitions but it was the simple smiles we shared among strangers in different churches, meeting people, singing together, making the sign of peace. As friends we got closer too and were empowered, happy to know the Holy week was holy. Reading this some might think we went for joy rides haha but doesn’t God bring that joy. The Holy week inspired us to do stuff. Just like back home Holy week was the time we were doing stuff of preparation as a family and church and also for the self; the growth of thyself with the inspiration of God.
Talk about furthering my studies, I did go further …. deported by my University to Kuala Terengganu to continue my clinical training. It was different yet again. A different time, by time seen by the slow process of moving further away from home. When in KT I was there together with my cohort consisting of only one practicing Catholic. No more family, no more CSS. As usual, I do not know perhaps by nature when in a new place the 1st place that comes to mind to go or look for was the church. Well even before going there I did manage to contact a parishioner from there who helped a lot. So as usual the finding of a church was finding a home and a new home I did find amongst the parishioners and the CSS there. Getting involved in church was alternative too in balancing one life. We all need to have a balance on spirituality to in our lives, besides work/study and family life. There i continued being an altarserver. Once a server I guess always a server, retirement did not want me so I continued to serve in KT although not activelylah. Holy week was different here. Back home parents were the drivers to church and kept us on the spiritual track, In KL was a time when friends and self motivation to keep the spirit going from home continued me to seek God, here in KT I had no transport problem :D. Thank God for keeping me on track by introducing me to the parishioners of KT as well as buddy parish priest. Fun indeed going places too. In Bentong, KL, KT holy week was not a miss and preparation was smooth just like home with a little difference only.
When it comes to the holy week, as Catholics it is compulsory to go for confession. Well I did miss a couple but most of the time I eventually went for it which I feel was just due to a flick of God’s finger. The trust in God and a play from your part will definitely give you what you want provided it is of good. I came across many students who give all sorts of excuses of not being able to go to church and take part in church activities. Well I was a student too and all the excuses that they give I also had it as my problems too but I ASKed and I received. They perhaps asked but since there was some difficulty they let go or perhaps they were simply not interested to join and give excuses because deep inside they are ashamed of their actions. Well here I am not pointing fingers but just want to pass the message not to give excuses, if not interested its ok. No forcing. Its undermining all the others who despite facing difficulties carrying out their spiritual duties. During the holy week lots of happening thus u see lots of these as well. Calling ourselves as Catholics is not enough but we ought to live up to it, its like when u call your self an engineer you should be an engineer and not a lawyer. As u ask God for help be thankful and show it just like how u show your loved ones by showering them with gifts. Mere thinking and expecting God to know (of course he knows) is like doing something and assuming the other person knows what you are doing. If that thing fails the other person can just say I do not know even if he knows just because you have not told that person but instead assume he did. So as students well of course go on and enjoy your lives before you write of yourself into the working world but remember in order to grow up and mature have a balance which includes spirituality. Have a good spiritual quotient, balance it up with your intellectual quotient and your emotional quotient.
After my studies I went further, a not so popular option for many. I went of to work in East Malaysia where a whole new different ball game took place…. Well to a certain extent east Malaysia feels like a totally different Malaysia for a better. It is nice here but of course home is again where the heart is. Over here the benefits of being a school going kid or a uni is no more. You are on own in the working life fending for yourself. So here u have your own car so steer yourself spiritually too. It has been difficult ever since because of the hectic working life, going home tired, sleeping off, forgetting days of obligations and even mass times. In the beginning God seemed further as well even in the comparison with the past. The holy week is not around at this time of writing. I wonder how it would be …. hopefully I would be able to make it for the masses here and it wont clash with my working hours … I prefer going for mass … an escapism from hectic working life. In that week I am optimistic that the preparation would be good God willing despite being tougher.
Last Christmas was my first without my family. I was afraid it would be ruined and already was working on that day but God made it one of the best Christmas experience I ever had. Nothing much but just going to 2 different masses and being with the crowd, with good music and praise it was an awe experience. We are never a lone, God is always there.
So far in this season of lent I even missed Ash Wednesday, fasting is already common due to work. Nevertheless God is essential part of my life even tough time very much lesser in participation of church activities. Commitment to actively participate cannot be given sadly thus making me join the working youth activities here casually. Moreover not been going for the way of the cross too. It is a new experience of trying to merge God with our work since during times of stress things turn differently. This merge I feel is a need for me since I am currently unable to keep the flow going with church activities. A different cross indeed I am carrying and a heavier one too.
Life is like a ECG strip, you can see your heart’s electrical activity having up and down patterns. If this line is flat it means that you would be pronounced dead. So in this season of lent despite all of our varied kind of struggles, lets examine it. See the pattern of the strip if those up and down patterns are pathological of normal. Being aware of a problem is the 1st step in solving it don’t be in denial. Then ask God for help and play apart yourself. God willing things would turn out for the better. Enjoy the coming of the holy week, experience God in the masses, it would be a refreshing.
God’s speed!
Happy Easter